Heuristic Quiz on Your Afterlife
Which ice cream best represents death?
a. plain vanilla
b. rocky road
d. double pickle
e. java mint chip cookie dough with whipped cream, chocolate sauce, crushed nuts, and a cherry on top
f. dirt (-flavored)
Which of these reincarnated entities would you prefer to become?
a. a puppy
b. a kitten
c. a redwood tree
d. a sperm whale
e. a presidential tapeworm
f. a babe in the Black Hole of Calcutta
Which kind of person is most likely to be reincarnated as a gypsy moth?
a. slimeball toadies
b. yellow-bellied backstabbers
c. slicked-back evangelicals
d. pot-bellied congressional sellouts
f. timber rustlers and their ilk
e. stinkers of ill repute
What do you figure’s at the end of the Great White Tunnel?
a. 72 virgins
b. your mother
c. St. Peter
d. The Prince of Darkness in a bridal gown
e. an immigration official
f. a gleaming, dazzling, whistling sphincter
Which makes most sense about the reincarnation deal?
a. You get what you deserve but never know why.
b. You are assigned a random life form somewhere between amoeba and zebra.
c. You become the tree that taps into your posthumous nutrients.
d. You end up back where you were before you were born—Nowheresville.
e. Next time you will read the instructions.
f. Your life will be the opposite of what it is this time around.
Where can you find answers about the afterlife?
a. The Bible
b. The Talmud
c. The Oracle at Delphi
d. The Merry Burial blog
e. Written on the subway walls
f. The twilight tootle of a wood thrush
Which would be your preferred afterlife?
a. Eternity in a paradise of unrelenting bliss.
b. Haunt the earth, able to see but not touch.
c. Take your chances at a random human rebirth.
d. The oblivion of nonexistence.
e. Become a leprechaun with the power to influence lives.
f. Take all your possessions to an ethereal gated community of the rich and famous.
Would you rather return as…
a. a man or a woman?
b. a Mexican or a Palestinian?
c. a swamp oak or a coconut palm?
d. a police dog or a widow’s cat?
e. the child of a Democrat or a Republican?
f. Charlemagne, Jesus, Hefner, Trump, or Liberace?
Which are advantages of green burial?
a. You return to nature what nature is due.
b. Your survivors will have a shady spot to remember you in.
c. It beats burning 28 gallons of fossil fuel and contributing to the misery of upcoming generations.
d. You will be remembered for your wisdom, not your greed.
e. You will at last have done something right.
f. Your death will exemplify your life.
Which will have the biggest impact on your afterlife destiny?
a. your virtues
b. your sins
c. your suffering
d. dumb luck
e. the way you were buried
f. your deathbed confessions
Speaking of deathbed confessions, you’d best list a few before it’s too late.